Below is a version of the full statement with some tweaks to bring it more in line with reality.

Information received since the Federal Open Market Committee met in June suggests that economic activity decelerated somewhat over the first half of this year. Growth in employment has been slow in recent months, and the unemployment rate remains elevated. Business fixed investment has continued to advance[d slightly]. Household spending has been rising at a somewhat slower pace [flat compared to] than earlier in the year. Despite some further signs of improvement, the housing sector remains depressed. Inflation has declined since earlier this year; mainly reflecting lower prices of crude oil and[,] gasoline [and sharply slowing growth of NGDP], and longer-term inflation expectations have remained stable [subdued].

[Inc]Consistent with its statutory mandate, the Committee seeks to foster[ignore] maximum employment and price stability [in continuation of the inflation targeting framework that includes a 2% core PCE inflation ceiling despite consistently unrealized economic forecasts and a need for recovery of production capacity lost since the recession of 2007-09]. The Committee expects economic growth to remain moderate [minimal] over coming quarters and then to pick up very gradually [as an item of faith]. Consequently, the Committee anticipates that the unemployment rate will decline only slowly toward levels that it judges to be consistent with its dual mandate. Furthermore, strains in global financial markets continue to pose significant downside risks to the economic outlook [aiding the Committee in containment of inflation expectations well below stated policy levels]. The Committee [therefore] anticipates that inflation over the medium term will run at or [well] below the rate that it judges most consistent with its dual mandate.

To support a stronger economic recovery and to help ensure that inflation, over time, is at [nearly 50% lower than]the rate most consistent with its dual mandate, the Committee expects to maintain a highly accommodative [contractionary] stance for monetary policy. In particular, the Committee decided today to keep the target range for the federal funds rate at 0 to 1/4 percent and currently anticipates that economic conditions — including low rates of resource utilization and a subdued outlook for inflation over the medium run — are likely to warrant exceptionally low [require] levels for the federal funds rate [that, according to the Taylor Rule, even though exceptionally low, are not low enough in order to maintain the Committee’s credibility for inflation control, permanent loss of production capacity notwithstanding] at least through late 2014.

The Committee also decided to continue through the end of the year its program to extend the average maturity of its holdings of securities as announced in June [in order to complete restructuring of government debt maturities], and it is maintaining its existing policy of reinvesting principal payments from its holdings of agency debt and agency mortgage-backed securities in agency mortgage-backed securities. The Committee will closely monitor incoming information on economic and financial developments and will provide additional accommodation as needed [continue to utilize intellectual dishonesty to obfuscate the Committee’s responsibility and ability] to promote a stronger economic recovery and sustained improvement in labor market conditions in a context of price stability.

Voting for the FOMC monetary policy action were: Ben S. Bernanke, Chairman; William C. Dudley, Vice Chairman; Elizabeth A. Duke; Dennis P. Lockhart; Sandra Pianalto; Jerome H. Powell; Sarah Bloom Raskin; Jeremy C. Stein; Daniel K. Tarullo; John C. Williams; and Janet L. Yellen. Voting against the action was Jeffrey M. Lacker, who preferred to omit the description of the time period over which economic conditions are likely to warrant an exceptionally low level of the federal funds rate.

PS: If Draghi doesn’t pull off his baby step in the right direction, we are in for some very big trouble.

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